The fear that comes with having our heart broken is what holds us back from living a full life.
Our fears of having a heartbreak can stop us from building connections and taking risks. They can make us cold, cynical and self-protective. Pain can be a weapon when we find ourselves making sure we hurt others before they hurt us. Most of this is unconscious behavior, which is likely why it is still happening.
Xinalani's All Inclusive Packages
Losing someone
Heartbreak comes from many places: from losing a loved one, from being disrespected by a friend, from having failed in a business endeavor or from losing a job. It can come when a romantic relationship ends and you feel deeply wounded and unable to trust yourself. Heartbreak can come from things that are out of our control; it can also come from a trauma that we have endured but have not yet found a way to heal.
Life lessons
Over the past decade, I have experienced all the examples I listed above. One heartbreak occurred when someone I was deeply in love with suddenly and unexpectedly ended our relationship. It sent me into the darkest place I had ever experienced in my heart. It was a fast tailspin into a dark depression. It created anxiety that made me feel like I might implode, and for a time it took everything I had to just show up in my life. Even my friends who had been happy for me were feeling disappointed and losing hope that any of us could find something healthy and loving. It was a scary time, but only one of the many heartbreaks I have experienced over my lifetime. We all have them.
Beautiful Eco Chic Rooms and Beach Casitas
Healing process
Shortly after my heartbreak, I made an oath that I would not let it break me. I chose to go deep into my healing so that I could come out of the pain ready to open my heart again to the world. I chose to have it break me open instead of breaking me entirely. I was determined to move forward with an open heart, even if it was scary. I was lonely, hurting and scared and I felt like I might not survive. But after years of practicing this work, I knew I needed to remain in the awful emotions. It’s not that I did not feel any less awful than anyone else going through a similar situation, but I knew that this too would shift. I would once again feel different: gentler and softer and more loving toward myself for showing up in my inner work.
When we don’t allow ourselves the opportunity to hurt and break down, we stunt our growth and our hearts. We close off from developing deeper connections with others because our connection with ourselves has been closed off. We tend to project our pain toward others, to our friends and family and beyond. When someone in our circle is putting themselves out there in a way that terrifies us, we might tell them all the reasons they shouldn’t do it. We may attach, judge, become righteous or see ourselves as better, all in order to hold onto control so we don’t have to feel our pain.
Trust yourself
In the long run, doing this makes us lonely and can riddle us with dis-ease. We may become anxious, stressed or controlling. We may keep ourselves so busy we can barely keep up in our lives after a heartbreak. There becomes no space for seeing things in any other way because we are holding on so tight to our worlds, views, and opinions just to avoid feeling anything.
A lifetime of this will leave you living in a small, judgment based world. It will lead you to keep everyone out that doesn’t see things the way you do, or participate in the way you think they should. You may even be able to justify your judgments and feel you are blameless for your feelings and beliefs because of all the things you’ve endured.
This is an exhausting existence. All structured just so you don’t have to feel your emotions.
Faith
I implore you to take the risk to stop, to unravel, to feel your heartache and to allow for your pain – as uncomfortable as it is – to have space to exist. It will be one of the hardest things you do, but you will come out of it a braver, kinder and more loving version of yourself.
Trust that you are supported by something greater than what you can see. That is spirituality: by learning to trust and have faith, you will be guided through the darkest nights of your life.
Love
Noelle
About the Author
Annoyingly optimistic. Noelle's intense eye contact can make people uncomfortable. She values deep conversation and has no tolerance for small talk. Loves talking about sex and is learning how to be a flirt in her mid 40’s. Entrepreneur, spiritual teacher, nature lover, loftily bestows the title of philosopher, visionary, mother and adventurer of the inner soul. Noelle has grown a life rich in experiences leading river and mountain expeditions between the Yukon and the Mexico border, working high-end trips in Europe and Canada, and building her own mini wellness empire in Canada. Although she never imagined herself to be a writer, she started her Mindful Monday blog in 2017. She continues to develop her art of creating inner connection through words.
